The Gloss is Gone

In Ireland, there’s this annual weight loss programme, that is on tv at the moment. And one of the leaders is this wonderful young woman who has had a terrible time trying to become a mother. She has had an ectopic, a late miscarriage and a baby who was born but didn’t survive. And she was very brave sharing her story on tv with everyone. And my heart breaks for her every time I hear her stories.

This week she bowed out of the programme, because she is pregnant! Wonderful news for her and her husband. And the whole country is so so happy for her. I roared crying watching the show last night. I just feel so much fear for her. We all know that the 12wk mark is where things get to be “safer” for pregnancy, and she’s only 7wks. But for her, getting past the 12wk mark wasn’t safer for her. She has gotten past the safe mark twice, and has no baby. I am scared for her. That’s how much she has warmed up the hearts of the country, I care for her and her story. Also I have had an ectopic and miscarriages so I know that they add such fear to future pregnancies, but both my miscarriages were early miscarriages so for me getting past the 12wk mark was a safer mark. Yet because of my history, it took the gloss off the pregnancy. I could never relax and just fully enjoy it. My mind is blown as to how she’s going to get through the pregnancy.

I am sure that she will have the best of care from the best of doctors and she will be monitored non-stop and that she will get a healthy baby at the end of this pregnancy. Fingers and toes are crossed for her. And as they joked on the show, every candle in the country will be lit for her (Catholic tradition of lighting candles for blessing/luck).

It just brought it back to me, the fear of never getting another baby when I was going through my secondary infertility, my miscarriage and my ectopic, and then my pregnancy on my successful rainbow baby that I didn’t think I was going to safely get (I had visions of horrible things happening). I am done having children, no more trying to concieve or pregnancies, but that heartbreak is still there for me and I feel it every time it comes up for anyone else. I am always delighted for people when I hear they’re pregnant, but it is tinged with so much fear too.